as anyone has, i've spent a lot of time making mistakes and being kind of an asshole, and not knowing how to interact with people, or how to be a good friend. it's not like there's a magical guide to being a good friend; everyone needs something different.
i think, maybe, being a good friend is about adaptability.
some people need attention and interaction. there are so many people in this world starved for attention and affection; ignored by peers, parents, even people they'd assumed to be friends. others still enjoy an occasional check-in - too busy to talk all the time, but happy when they're fondly remembered and reached out to.
but it's hard to know who needs what, and sometimes, people don't even know what they want or need in the first place. do they need to talk? do they need space? sometimes the choices are overwhelming. giving too many options or offering none at all - any of them can cause friction.
i'm certainly not here to tell you how to be a good friend. plenty and more people would say i'm an asshole, a bad friend, a bad person. everyone has the capacity to be selfish and i am no different.
but there is a difference in trying to care, at least. to try to reach out and ask what someone needs, to check in on them, to show interest in them. deep down, everyone is just a book waiting to be read - we're all full of stories and thoughts and ideas and they don't always get the chance to come out.
plenty of people would say i'm a bad friend, but in equal measure, there are plenty of people who tell me how much they love me and how much they admire and appreciate the effort i put in. it's not always enough, and it's not always consistent - nobody can maintain a constant level, and the more problems you have, the harder it becomes.
i wish i could stop reacting with bafflement and confusion when people tell me that i'm kind or that i'm a good friend for reaching out to them and reassuring them that i'll stay by there side and help them with whatever they need. it feels strange to me that that's regarded as kindness; at least to me, it feels like something that everyone should do, at least. i think it scares and worries me to imagine that's not the case.
i wish i could so easily change the world with a wave of my hand; to suddenly make everyone just as sympathetic to each others' plight, to make everyone comprehend that ability fluctuates day by day and week by week.
maybe the answer is that nobody is really a good friend; we all just want to be.
it is sensible, if you're the kind of person that ascribes to the concept that good and bad are subjective and nebulous ideals; the kind of person who believes that nobody, and nothing, is inherently one or the other. you couldn't be a good friend or a bad friend; simply a friend. sometimes you do good things; sometimes you do bad things.
the world is strange and confusing, and all we can ever do is try to find answers, or write our own.
and i guess my answer is simply that all you can do is keep trying.
try to be a good friend. try to be considerate. try to be patient. who knows how many people are selfish, inconsiderate, impatient, and even downright cruel at times ... it's not right, and it saddens me to think about.
all we have is each other. so let's not leave anyone behind.